so i decided to go snowboarding. did i know how to? no. have i ever done it before? no. what was my strategy? idk ill figure it out.

somehow i ended up on top of a mountain (Mont-Tremblant), put my snowboard on, and then i couldn't move. see, i looked down, there was an edge and it was fucking scary (worry #1 don't go, you can actually die).

i'm not sure how long it took me to start going down, but i was going down super slowly (falling on ground every 10 seconds). people were looking at me as i was struggling so hard (worry #2 don't fall, people notice you) so i couldn't even focus for a second.

after a few minutes going down, i fell to ground atleast 20 times. my experience was the faster i go, the more it hurts (worry #3 don't go fast, it hurts), so the moment i felt i was going fast, i dropped myself to the ground to stop (i wasn't even able to brake).

i stopped and sat on the ground for a bit to rest. but people were going so fast i was worried if i sit down they hit me from behind (worry #4 don't sit, people hit you). also i was there with my friends, i didn't want them to be worried why it's taking so long for me to reach down (worry #5 don't sit for too long, your friends are waiting for you).

it was that moment i gained enlightenment (lol, jk). but actually it was that moment for the first time i could see all of the worries coming to my mind. it's like i could notice them before, but they were part of me thinking. (note: i am an extra extra over-thinker, and i used to have worries all the time.)

but this time it was different. it felt like worries are controlling the way i thought. i sat down at a corner for like 20 minutes thinking about this (the image was taken then) then i decided to not listen to them.

i stand up with confidence, faced my snowboard to down, went super fast, then bang! i hit ground so bad! it fucking hurts!!! everyone was looking at me thinking if i am okay (one guy came to me and ask if i need help). my worries double up. social anxiety went to 100%.

i could feel my worries, stress and pain at the same time. maybe i sat there down for another 20 minutes (i could move, but my body hurt so bad and was lost in thought again).

i understand you should be careful, and not hurt yourself but i convinced myself if i don't go fast, i would never learn (i really really wanted to learn how to snowboard).

so i stood up to go fast one more time. i accepted i'm going to fall again and it's going to hurt bad. dying? eh whatever. my friends worrying about me? eh they probably don't. people looking at me? eh let them, they probably forgot it anyway.

was it that easy? not really. i end up getting down and going few more times, but even after a few hours, i still had worries. i still get them in my day to day life (aka social anxiety at hitori level). but i can see them now. i can see how they change my actions and thinking. i can decide to accept them, or let them hurt me. i guess it takes a little more time for me to accept them easily...